Erased

When we went to court on September 8 in support of our petition to adopt Masha and Autumn we knew that the decision had already been made and that this was more of a formality than anything else. But of course we were nervous that we might say something stupid and then the judge could slam down her gravel and throw us out with no babies.

On one side of the room sat the judge at her desk, along with the prosecutor and two jury members. On the other side we sat side-by-side in a row of chairs lined up against the wall, us, our translator, a social worker and the orphanage director. This judge was not the usual judge in this region and she rarely does international adoptions. She actually read our very long petition out loud in the courtroom.

And then came the questions… between my husband and I, we answered ten or so questions posed by the judge, prosecutor, and women of the jury. “How did you find these children?” “Why do you want more children when you already have so many children?” “Where do the children sleep and will your adopted children have the same privileges as your biological children?” “Why did you choose children with Down syndrome?”

Some questions are cut and dried, and easy to answer, like how our house is set up. Other questions are more complicated, like why do you want more children or why did you choose to adopt from Ukraine… And still other questions just can’t be answered fully and honestly if one wishes to remain tactful, like why Down syndrome…

But we got through it and the judge made a short speech, making things official. One of the things she said was that the names of Masha and Autumn’s biological parents would be erased from their birth certificates and that our names would replace them.

Erased. Their flesh and blood, deleted… wiped away forever in the records. From this day on I will be listed as the birth mother of Masha and Autumn. The only remnants of their past are their birth dates, places, and Masha’s first name. The rest has been erased. Their personal histories have been rewritten.

That struck me very hard. Their own mothers… not dead but erased, as if they never existed at all. And I, feeling somewhat like an imposter or perhaps even a thief, have stepped in and assumed them.

One day I will not feel like this. I will look at those certificates and know they are true. Because one day, Masha and Autumn will understand what a Mama is, and they will love me… their mama… with all their hearts, and this will prove to me that you cannot erase what never was.