Miserable Me

Growing up my mom always said to me, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Advice, that if I follow, means this blog sits quietly for weeks sometimes.

I am miserable. I am the most miserable I have ever been in my life, except for maybe when I was a young teenager. I have a lot to be happy about and proud of, but I just can’t see through this darkness right now.

So I am gonna spit some of it out. Sorry mom.

1. I have not worked in over a year. The day I turned 16, I got a job at Burger King, and I have worked ever since. Even when I lived in France I found a couple under the table jobs. I like to work, and I like to earn my own money. It all went south when Kimani was born. Things changed at my job while she was in the hospital and it never got better until finally it was done. But now, now that I can’t even work at all, I am super unhappy about it. I miss that easy way to measure my skills.

2. Not working means not earning, means pretty broke. The savings are all gone and now we are tapping my IRA, all the while paying huge penalties and taxes. I doubt I even have $2 in change in my purse. Before I had kids I was making 62k a year with fat benies; today I can’t even go buy a Powerball ticket.

3. That is not true. I could ask my husband for money.

4. It’s IEP season… open season on my heart. The first one is Autumn’s tomorrow morning. I get to sit in a room with 5 to 10 people blowing smoke up my ass while trying to convince me that she doesn’t belong in an ordinary Kindergarten. Once they give in to me, then we will hammer out the details. And then I will worry about all that we have won and lost for her. Next up is Masha. Hers will be worse. They are sure there is no place for her in regular first grade. I am going to have to hear a lot of hurtful things if I don’t give in, which of course I won’t. I don’t know though, this one is not a lock, and I am really worried about how it will turn out. And then finally there is Kimani. No fight there. And maybe that hurts worst of all.

5. Someone I love dearly is angry with me. I can’t fix it.

6. Only one of my children is not on an IEP or a 504. Last week they told me that they are coming for the last one. They can’t really explain why, they just feel that this child has an undiagnosed learning disability of some sort that only manifests itself when writing is involved. I am shocked, and shattered. It isn’t like I didn’t know that writing was his nemesis, but he is so bright that the suggestion of massive testing for an IEP just blew me away. I know this child better than they do, and I think they are wrong, and so, I said no. But of course there is that part of me that won’t stop second guessing myself.

7. My teeth are ruined. Up until last year I had only two cavities in my whole life. And now I can’t even keep track of them. Yesterday I wrapped up my first root canal and found out that a crown comes next. After that there are six more to fill. Between February and now, I think I already had about 6 or so filled. The dentist is amazed. He’s never seen anything like this because these cavities are tiny and at the gum lines and between the teeth. He wants to know what I have been doing different over the last couple years. Well, now… I guess I am done drinking vanilla lattes.

8. For our 15th wedding anniversary my husband and I decided to go away alone for a week. We never had a honeymoon, and we have never been away from all our kids for more than a couple days at a time, except for the 5 days we spent in Romania while we were in the adoption waiting period for Masha and Autumn. Considering our financial situation, it was a hard decision to make. But we figured the investment in our marriage was worth it. So we took the plunge and I set up a week long trip to Costa Rica. As soon as I clicked the last submit button for the last plane ticket it was like I popped the cap off an oil well. Cut me, I bleed money.
— The furnace shut off. We got it cleaned for $300. A couple days later it shut off again. Turns out it had a broken part which cost $240.
— Our car didn’t pass inspection. The brake job parts were $150.
— My husband is in a wedding and now I am too. Outfitting us: about $500.
— The winter from hell that would not end caused an extra fuel delivery beyond what we had prepaid for: $450.
— Two kids, my husband, and me, all needing dental work: $5000 paid so far. Still to come: $925 for the crown, and whatever those next 6 cavities cost. Minus our pathetic dental insurance reimbursements it ends up to be about 5k.
— My awesome Epson 1900 printer and my Shark both shit the bed, and a little someone broke two black keys off the piano. They won’t be getting fixed or replaced.

9. My beloved friend’s son had a heart transplant on April 1. He is Kimani’s heart buddy and they did lots of time in PICU together. I can’t even tell you how hard it has been on this family for the past 5+ years. That boy was in the hospital almost as much as he was out. Mom can’t work anymore. They are dirt poor. Their son is in a hospital in NYC. Dad might lose his job because he is splitting his time too much. The recovery has not been smooth. He is not safe yet. I am scared for them. I am sad that I cannot just hop the train and go sit with her. I am sick that I cannot reassure her that her son will live through this.

10. I have lost my faith in God. It’s been a long time coming. I remember writing about it back in 2011. There have been two things in my life that I have struggled with, prayed for, and believed could be altered, should  be altered by having faith in God. Neither has changed in all these years. Neither is directly tied to Kimani, although what she went through, what she still goes through was enough to give me pause. There has been no burning bush in my backyard. And as time has gone on, more things have happened to take me farther away. I still have beliefs, but I wish I didn’t. It sucks to believe in something you can’t love and trust anymore.