This isn’t really a “How To” post but rather more of a question, how do you pick your kids’ friends, assuming of course that you actually can. And honestly, it is more of a when and where do you let your kids go overnight without you?
This topic is on my mind because my son just got his Arrow of Light, meaning he has crossed over from a Cub Scout to a Boy Scout. In the troop he was in, the Boy Scouts leader made it clear that parent involvement is limited and not allowed at all on camp outs. Boy Scouts camp out a lot, and it is on camp outs that they work on the majority of their badges. We grappled with the idea of him, at age ten, moving into a group that discourages and even denies parent involvement. We get the whole “building independence” thing but we also believe parents are responsible first and foremost for instilling the values they want in their children, and for protecting them. We found another troop that is more parent-friendly and moved him into it. But I wonder if we are being drastic.
Gecko has never spent the night at a friend’s house and only once been away from home when my husband and I went away for a couple days and left him with friends of ours. We learned a harsh lesson about sleepovers when TK was little. She had met a girl she liked at gymnastics class and while they were having lessons, the mom and I would chat. Eventually TK was invited over for play dates, which then led to an invite for a sleepover. TK was 10 and they seemed like a very nice family so we let her go there. When she got home the next day she told me all about a porno that the little girl had gotten from her parents stash in the attic. We were stunned, and TK went on no more sleepovers until she was in high school.
Here we are again with a 10 year old who wants to go places, and is ready to do it without us. We have spent the last two years befriending the parents of the kids he has made friends with. We take turns driving to soccer and scouts. We send our kids back and forth for a few hours a week. But what exactly are we looking for to know if it is safe to let them stay with those other people?
If you knew your kid’s friend’s parents owned guns, would you still let them stay over there? How about if they smoke pot? Have radically different political views than yours? What if there are two dads and no mom? What if they are a different religion, or atheists? What if they have a porno stash? I guess we don’t really decide based on any of that. I mean if I saw guns, porn or pot lying around, I wouldn’t let my kid go there but who leaves that stuff out when company comes over anyway? I do judge how careful they are with those types of things, and how overt they are with their religious and political views.
Right now we are pretty lucky because Gecko is friends with kids who have siblings the same age his. Instead of us having to invest in relationship building with 4 or 6 different families, we have only two or three families to get to know. What we look for is how the parents treat their children, how they discipline them and whatnot. We pay attention to what they let their kids do, watch, eat, etc. How much each parent is involved with their kids makes a difference. What my kids tell me after hanging out at other kids’ houses matters. But I wonder if we are unwittingly looking for people like us.
Later this month, we will be taking the huge step of letting Gecko go on a Boy Scout camping trip without us. He will be tenting with his long time friend whose parents will be onsite close by. After two years of cultivating the relationship with them, we feel like our son will be safe under their watchful eyes. Too much freedom, not enough, or just enough… I guess we won’t know until after we take the leap.
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