Where Ya Been?

I suppose I owe you faithful readers an explanation for why I have been gone since Christmas. I am jaded. It’s as simple (and as complex) as that.

Late last Fall I realized that every time I was on Facebook, which really was all the time, I felt vaguely shitty (thank you Lisa M. for that beautifully concise description of my feelings). It dawned on me that I am not designed to be constantly emotionally present, witty, empathetic, righteously angry, tactful, sad, supportive, conciliatory, and friendly. A quick perusal of my feed started to feel like a temperamental assault on my sensibilities.

I decided to take a break from it. I wasn’t sure I could do it. Imagine that… I thought I might actually not be able to walk away from Facebook. Without much fanfare (or a post that begged you to beg me to stay) I went into “hibernation” for what I thought would be a month or so. A week later my computer died making it easy to stay away since I hate typing anything on my iPad mini.

Once my smoking computer (loaded with the most amazing software out there) kicked, I realized that I couldn’t really blog anymore either. While I was digesting that fact, a few pretty horrible things happened. First off, Kimani got worse and worse, harder and harder to handle, and impossible to write about (honestly) anyway. Then my best friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and being with her on this journey became my main focus. Then came a crushing surreal heartbreak: my husband’s best friend died in a house fire.

Not that there weren’t a bunch of happy moments, and milestones, and good times. There have been plenty of those over the last eight months, and also tons of practically irresistible fodder floating around in virtual space pestering my brain to write. But each time I stared at my iPad keyboard something whispered “WTF? D is sick. K is dead. Kimani is the devil incarnate. Who cares about the flotsam in your mind?”

I do. I care. Writing is really more for me than it is for you. So I’ll be here when I can. For now, I’ll leave you with an Easter shot of (most of) my babies dancing on the table. Look how BIG they are!

dancing_dolls

Comments

  1. anna says

    Yours is the best concise description of online life I have ever read. I must say it’s an inspiration to shut this whole thing down! Thank you for checking in and sympathies to you over all the hardship.

    I do hope though that the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune do not stop you from writing. We have only a short time to live and creativity, even when it feels inappropriate, is our only way to touch the eternal.

  2. meredith says

    Wow, I am so sorry for the pain you guys have faced in the illness of your best friend and unexpected loss of your husband’s best friend….the challenging months at home sound really hard to bear when your hearts are breaking. Beautiful Easter photo, so glad to see an update!

  3. Tara says

    “A quick perusal of my feed started to feel like a temperamental assault on my sensibilities.” This. I get it to my very core. I just haven’t had the maturity to walk away.
    Your absence has been acutely felt.

  4. Darlena says

    Thank you for sharing. Glad you checked in and hope things get better for you guys. The girls really are beautiful.

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